Everyone that has been trained in Communication, Management, or anything similar, can tell you that we should be asking OPEN QUESTIONS. That is to say, questions that can’t be answered with a Yes or a No. Although this is a great practical tool, it is our purpose that will drive a really useful conversation for both parties.
Think about a 4-year-old that you’re picking up from daycare. What would be the purpose of your conversation? Is it curiosity – you want to know how their day was? Is it care – you want to understand how they are coping with their schoolmates? Is it support – You want them to know that you are there for them?
Asking with a Puspose
Let’s say, a friend comes to you to just nag or talk. This is always a great opportunity to help. Either give a solution, or help them find their own – probably the best one, as they know better both the situation and what they are capable of. Your questions can help them explore either the situation or their capabilities. This happens when you get curious and you voice your curiosity.
Curiosity Questions – Getting the Whole Picture
Curiosity helps you find the missing pieces of the jigssaw that makes the whole picture. A friend comes to you, to discuss a problem. They speak for three minutes, they believe they have said everything, but there are so many details missing! And then you ask: How did this start? What did you think at the time? How did that make you feel? Is this the first time this happened? Who was there?
These questions will help them remember more details, recreate the whole picture, perhaps understand critical things that could lead to a change or a solution!
Curiosity Questions – Getting to the Next Step
Oftentimes, we start finding our solutions, just by describing an issue. This is why coaches create this microclimate of trust and care in the sessions – it is important to let our coachees speak about their issues without interruption and giving our full attention.
But again, questions can help our friends, colleagues, direct reports, to navigate their solutions. How do you imagine your life, when this issue will not exist? What would you do, if you had a magic wand? What have you done in the past, that worked? What could be your first step? Who can help you? How can I help you?
These questions help them visualize their perfect future, think and appreciate their own resources, design an action plan.
And then, there is a question, the king of them all:
A Magic Question: What Else?
This is my favourite question: What else? When a coachee gives her first idea of a solution: “this is what I could try”, I first praise them (finding and voicing a solution is not easy), and then I ask: what else? Just like that: what else? and I pause.
Rarely is the first or second idea the best. Furthermore, “what else” question helps everyone dig deeper, be more bold and courageous, believe there is more they can explore and try and you trust them to do so.
What Else?
Asking good, thoughtful questions proves that you have the rare gift or listening, shows that you are interested, you are present for them. Presence proves care and builds trust. What else?
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